• The Parts

    I suppose I ought to make this post two parts. Part one. I haven’t updated in a while and I suppose I am a bit ashamed of it. Mostly because I didn’t write only to avoid the disaster I created when I switched everything over to my own domain. I was so excited to start my blog journey free of domain issues, and hoped it would help bring in some income for our family, but when the switch became so overwhelming and time consuming… I just kind of shut down. It is an awful habit of mine, to be honest. I have no clue how to code, or how to…

  • Nothing Is Impossible

    This morning, I am watching my daughter try to crawl. She does this every morning. She rolls onto her tummy ans and stretches her body as flat as she can. She smacks the floor with both hands. She pushes with her legs, but no movement comes. She kicks and wiggles and pushes up with just her arms or just her legs… over and over and over again. It is heartbreaking. Eventually, she lays there flat, rubbing the blanket she is on. Then she begins to cry because not one attempt was successful. She rolls back onto her back, exhausted from trying, and put her hands up for me. Later, we…

  • Thankful

    This morning, we woke up as we do every day. You drank your bottle, while I sipped my coffee. When you were done, I held you and told you it was Thanksgiving… your second. You stared at me, intently watching my lips. I told you I was grateful for you being here another year… I told you how amazing it is to have you here each day. You began to squirm as most kids would, and I let you get in your walker to play. Thanksgiving is not my favorite of all the holidays. I’m not a huge fan of stuffing or gravy, and getting up super early to gut…

  • The Letter

    Dear friend, Can you tell me what it’s like? I promise, I’m not intending to be rude, just genuinely curious. The only child I have, well, she is different than the others, and while I am not sad or disappointed, I am curious how it feels to be you, instead of me. How does it feel to hear your baby say mama? Does it fill your soul like the smell of cookies baking? Did you cry tears of joy? When they grab toys and figure out their intricacies, do you marvel at their hands? Did you swell with pride? I know it must be exhausting to watch that precarious tiny…

  • Anxiety

    Anxiety is hiding in your bathroom at 3am crying because the panic of life overwhelmed you. Anxiety is taking the long way home so you can bury your emotions before you see someone you love. Anxiety is drinking too much wine just to quiet your own mind for a little while. Anxiety is biting your nails until you bleed. Anxiety is obsessively cleaning your kitchen baseboards out of the blue because you’re trying to avoid your feelings. Anxiety is snapping at the husband who loves you because you’ve lost control of your emotions again and anxiety is not leaving the house for days because you are scared of the stress.…

  • Caregiver burnout.

    I am tired. I say that more often than I’d like, and even after the hours of sleep, the weakness does not fade. It is more than physical exhaustion. It is an emotional wear and tear of my soul. They call it caregiver burnout. I am sure it starts with the physical exhaustion… the nights of interrupted sleep by monitors and fussing… the nightmares induced by stress and not calmed by the wine. It all wears down your body and as our body becomes weak, our souls begin to spread thin…. trying to cover all the bases of who we assume we should be to everyone. And repairing our souls…

  • I am tired.

    I am tired. I am tired of watching babies like mine die. I’m tired of seeing pictures of these babies in the hospital. I’m tired of seeing them be discriminated against. I’m tired of posts from other tired moms fighting the damn system. I’m tired of fighting the system. I’m tired of paperwork and repetitive phone calls. I’m tired of being on hold for hours with insurance. I’m tired of bills and white envelopes covered in red letters. I’m tired of hearing “no” over and over again. I’m tired of watching my husband work 60 hours away from our home and we still never gain any ground. We still are…

  • Some Days

    Somedays it’s just harder than others. Some days I’m completely convinced of all my daughter is capable of. Others I cry because she won’t bear weight on her legs. Some days I can almost see her brain working to form words. Others I cry because she hasn’t said “mama” yet. Some days I’m completely full of fire inside because of her smiles. Others I spend mourning the life she could have had. Some days I am motivated and called to push her through therapy even if she cries. Others I feel like every failure is a stab in my heart. Some days I’m happy she is here and doing so…

  • here.

    If you are facing a new diagnosis and need someone, I am here. . If it’s 3am and you’re crying about what your kid couldn’t do today, I am here. . If you just opened your mail to find another negative therapy eval, I am here. . When you’re so tired you just want to scream, I am here. . When your child is admitted to the hospital for something simple that would never effect a typical kid, I am here. . When a complete stranger makes remarks about your kid being different, I am here. . When your husband and you aren’t speaking to one another because the stress…

  • Special Parents

    There is this saying I hear sometimes, “God only gives special needs kids to special parents.” Does He?  While I truly believe God chose Georgia for me, I do not think it was because I was special or fully suited for the job.  Honestly, I think God knew I needed her more than she needed me. And in her short 20 months on this earth, she has honestly taught me more about myself, God, this world, and all the people on it than my 30 years of life has. She has taught me that I am braver than I think.  She has taught me how to love without fear of…