Caregiver burnout.

I am tired. I say that more often than I’d like, and even after the hours of sleep, the weakness does not fade. It is more than physical exhaustion. It is an emotional wear and tear of my soul.
They call it caregiver burnout.
I am sure it starts with the physical exhaustion… the nights of interrupted sleep by monitors and fussing… the nightmares induced by stress and not calmed by the wine. It all wears down your body and as our body becomes weak, our souls begin to spread thin…. trying to cover all the bases of who we assume we should be to everyone. And repairing our souls falls to the bottom of the laundry basket with the lost socks and loose change… lost until they are needed and it is too late.
Suddenly I can’t seem to complete the most simple of tasks. Washing dishes seems to become this overwhelming burden. I’m exhausted after changing a diaper. The days become this huge struggle and I am waking up and already anticipating the next time I can close my eyes. And the worst part is that when that time comes, I can’t sleep. And I lay here trying to pray back my connection to God so He can come help heal me in my time of need.
It is quiet in my home excluding the snores of my husband and the rain hitting the woods outside. I should be asleep but my anxiety of what needs to be done and the stress over the amount of energy it will consume overtakes me. I’m just like every little browned and fallen leaf out there… being swept away in a storm because I have fallen from my roots.
I can’t stop praying even when it makes me feel more empty. God, do you listen to my soul even when I can’t? Will you lift me even when I’m weakened by my own selfish antics? I always find myself running into this hard wall of heaviness and I never stop before it is too late. Can You be my emergency brake? Teach me to love myself enough to stop before it is too late.
I am tired. So I will offer it to God and pray He can hear me and heal me, even through the storm.

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