• Thankful

    This morning, we woke up as we do every day. You drank your bottle, while I sipped my coffee. When you were done, I held you and told you it was Thanksgiving… your second. You stared at me, intently watching my lips. I told you I was grateful for you being here another year… I told you how amazing it is to have you here each day. You began to squirm as most kids would, and I let you get in your walker to play. Thanksgiving is not my favorite of all the holidays. I’m not a huge fan of stuffing or gravy, and getting up super early to gut…

  • The Letter

    Dear friend, Can you tell me what it’s like? I promise, I’m not intending to be rude, just genuinely curious. The only child I have, well, she is different than the others, and while I am not sad or disappointed, I am curious how it feels to be you, instead of me. How does it feel to hear your baby say mama? Does it fill your soul like the smell of cookies baking? Did you cry tears of joy? When they grab toys and figure out their intricacies, do you marvel at their hands? Did you swell with pride? I know it must be exhausting to watch that precarious tiny…

  • Anxiety

    Anxiety is hiding in your bathroom at 3am crying because the panic of life overwhelmed you. Anxiety is taking the long way home so you can bury your emotions before you see someone you love. Anxiety is drinking too much wine just to quiet your own mind for a little while. Anxiety is biting your nails until you bleed. Anxiety is obsessively cleaning your kitchen baseboards out of the blue because you’re trying to avoid your feelings. Anxiety is snapping at the husband who loves you because you’ve lost control of your emotions again and anxiety is not leaving the house for days because you are scared of the stress.…

  • Caregiver burnout.

    I am tired. I say that more often than I’d like, and even after the hours of sleep, the weakness does not fade. It is more than physical exhaustion. It is an emotional wear and tear of my soul. They call it caregiver burnout. I am sure it starts with the physical exhaustion… the nights of interrupted sleep by monitors and fussing… the nightmares induced by stress and not calmed by the wine. It all wears down your body and as our body becomes weak, our souls begin to spread thin…. trying to cover all the bases of who we assume we should be to everyone. And repairing our souls…